I think I didn't want to chat too much this summer on this blog until most people in my life who might possibly look at this blog knew the huge and enormous news in my life, that I just got divorced from my marriage of nearly 19 years.
There is sadness, yes, and I'll go on a serious note and write something that I expressed a while back:
I've known M. since I was 20. We met at the college fountain one evening, and we lost total track of time for the rest of the night. We connected on some deep soul level, something that I don't think will ever go away between us. That first year, we were the cheesy couple that you see being lovey-dovey at a restaurant table, holding hands and staring into each other's eyes. When we first got married, we were one of those couples who did everything together. My oldest friends became his friends, etc. We went through so much together over the years, some good, some bad. We made bad choices at times, but we really enjoyed life, had adventures, and had our simple pleasures and traditions, like our Saturday movie night where we would rent two cheesy horror movies and get food from this certain food place with great Greek salads and cheese fries. We would cook together, dream our glamourous future together where we were going to be nomadic, traveling the world, working for one place in an exotic South Pacific island for a few years before moving on to another place, just as wild and wonderful. We did indeed live in three different towns in Illinois, one city in Florida, and two other countries. We had road trips and mini-adventures.
We were not always perfect, we had our problems and dysfunctions, but we were us. Our bond was indestructible, bound together for better or worse, facing the world together and who knows what other adventures. Certainly there were ups and downs, but everything for sure changed after May 2008. I couldn't function, he didn't give me what I needed, I left, and things broke. I broke to pieces and then when I came back together again, things could never be the same. He didn't know me anymore and I didn't trust him on the same level. We still loved each other so much, and we still love each other deeply. Nobody in the future will ever love either of us as much as we loved each other, I'm convinced. We still had summer adventures for a few years, but our tie was frayed, no longer strong and golden, but ethereal and wispy.
I just never thought it would break. When he agreed so readily to what I knew was inevitable, it was such a shock to my system. I think a part of me thought that no matter what, we were bound to each other, that we could TRY to end things but we wouldn't really be able to. So while this is a necessary thing, a relief, a breaking off from a toxic situation as things have stood the last four years, it still hurts on a deep soul level, where we were bonded.
Yeah, we weren't perfect, but we were us.
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*Hugs.*
ReplyDeleteOh, Andrea. It's hard to know what to say! I'm sorry that things came to an end, but it does sound like you two have a connection that won't ever completely fade.
I've experienced loss of a best friend before. It feels like being socked in the stomach, and that feeling takes quite awhile to go away. Just know that you have us, and that we're here whenever you need!
Dude. This is super sad. I think that SS hit the important thing, that you two will always have a connection, even if you're across the ocean. And it's okay to proceed with what looks to be the inevitable and still be upset about it. I, as part of your loyal write group, am certainly here, even if we're in different states.
ReplyDeletesweetie, this is a moving, elegiac write-up of your relationship. i have more to say, to be said elsewhere, but let me say here that as someone who was there from the beginning, i recognize everything you wrote here about your relationship. i remember your early, golden years well, and i think you managed to relay some of the best parts of it. i love you -- S
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